Alone...

So its kind of weird that in a sense I'm pretty much alone for the summer. Erica moved yesterday and well she was pretty much the only person I hung out with. Yesterday was the dance recital and my last official day to work there. A little sad but for the most part I was happy. Suzanne gave Erica and I both a "Forever in our Hearts" award. She usually gives it to her teachers that are graduating so it made sense for her to give it to Erica. I was definitley not expecting it....and since there are about 10 other teachers leaving that didn't get the award it made it that much harder. She had to fight back tears on stage and I did too. It was hard to say goodbye especially to my girls...some of them I had become really close to. Yes, they are still around and I can keep in touch, but its not the same as seeing them every day. I guess it hadn't really hit me that I was basically starting over again...a new job, new classes, trying to find new friends and trying to just figure everything out again. I'm almost scared. As much as I like living alone and as much as I like to be by myself at times, for the most part I like to be around people.

I have a year left here and part of me doesn't know what to do. I don't want my senior year of college to be like my senior year of high school. I don't want to regret not graduating early, I don't want to not have friends, I want to have some fun but I just don't know if I can. I'm still struggling with the whole middle ground of studying and going out. I either go out all the time or I don't. And what I think scares me the most is going back to the way things were. I get attached and become familiar with what I knew...and its so easy to go back so I stop. Then I miss it all and it happens again.

I think sometimes I try to think the best of the situation or a person. Instead of looking at what is really happening I try and find the good. In some ways that is good, but in other ways it sucks. I'm the one that gets hurt, I'm the one that gets to listen to him vent, and when it comes down to it she's getting everything. I don't want to lose friends and I think thats the hardest thing. There are so many people that I am no longer friends with that I use to spend all my time with. I'm okay with that but now it has just gotten to a point that I don't even attempt to make new friends because I figure at some point they are going to leave.

Just another one of those nights I guess...maybe things will better tomorrow.

"Sometimes when you are young you think nothing can hurt you, it’s like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans to find your perfect match, the one that completes you. But as you get older you realize it’s not always that easy. It’s not until the end of your life that you realize how plans you made were simply plans. Because at the end when you are looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you are leaving something good behind, you want it all to have mattered."-- One Tree Hill